I came across a particular sentence in my old, college philosophy textbook that read, “I know that I have a mind, an inner life of conscious experience, but the content of your mind if private and hidden from me.” It got me thinking about how honest this idea is that you can never really know the true depth’s of another’s mind unless you are of their cerebrum.
All the sleepless nights you spend awake with someone, that magnetic pull that brings your head close to someone’s chest, the way you can walk side by side and somehow your fingers just lock together — all of this seems real because you feel grounded in someone else’s mind. You think you know enough of their inner-workings to feel comfortable indulging in their secrets and in yours. More frequently than not, some of us will meet people we can grow intimate with in quick measures. Time is of the essence and our need for physicality and spiritual growth attracts us to partners and friends. And sometimes we just lose it.
I lost is several times in my life. Especially recently. I met a man who I couldn’t care less about for the longest time before finally just testing the waters. A single date led to several more conversations and times spent enjoying each other’s company. Sex was the most natural and beloved part, but what’s really to focus on if your company has a deadline. His deadline is now the same as mine, and while we both are anticipating our separate futures there are still glimpses of that anxious, nervous side we got accustomed to just fucking away. And it’s true, there is no better euphoria than spending nights in a drunken haze causing enough heat between two people to warm an entire building. But there is a big part of my brain that fights against what it really wants to know.
What’s going on in that mind of yours?
Edie Sedgiwck once told Bob Dylan that he was gonna hurt his brain with all the thinkin’ he did. And it’s true. I want to know what my last grain of hope is with the boy that’s about to leave. Is there even any hope to even consider? Am I just “in passing”… a person who needed as much as I was willing to give. Did I give enough? Am I not listening to my gut feelings or am I conceiving some fake bullshit that is also too caught up in the moment?
Alas. Tribulations of the confused, young heart. However, like water and oil, I believe everything that is separate can always make for a bloody good team. Here’s to Amplive mixing Radiohead’s “Nude”. A fantastic remix that paints a new face on an otherwise melancholy song. But we learn quick that life isn’t supposed to be as dramatic as we sometimes make it.