My dad is one of the wisest people I know. It reads in the crows feet that branch out from the corners of his eyes, and his salt and peppered hair is a window into his past years of hard work and constant reflection. He is a man a few wants with the main exception being that he wants to make sure everyone is taken care of. Not only within his family, but more-so in complete strangers.
Today while he was making tea I confronted him about a personal problem that had sort of been attacking my minute-by-minute thoughts. It of course was about love and life and the pursuit of whatever the fuck it is we are looking for. He sort of quietly sighed as he tends to do in his moments of lost brevity, and then while searching for the right thing to say, he came to a thought. “You know Michelle, being in your 20’s is one of the hardest ages to live. You’re at a complete loss as to what you want to do and still completely restless and hungry for life.” I always think, well, why can’t you have it all? Can’t you do things that you love in your 20’s while you’re well into your 50’s? It must be possible, but it’s funny to witness how as most people age their priorities shift. I guess it’s not that shocking as you come to, but being young and having very uncertain thoughts about what it is I want from life, I find this to be cheap. And maybe even a little too surrendering. Must life be so grown up?
I listen to Common’s “Be” when I need a reminder that I need to be right in the moment and only that moment. I don’t need to think about a future with any other person but myself because I’m the only one who is definitely going to be there, fingers crossed. I have this insatiable hunger for wanderlust and it heats up to a fever pitch when I start to get anxious. I realize that maybe it’s true what people have been saying about me. I do think too much. I’ll never stop nor will I apologize for it, but Jesus god, even my own sanity deserves a fucking lunch break.
What’s funny is they say that idle time is the Devil’s workplace. Shit gets real in this downtime. And while some people can use it to their advantage, thinkers like myself will eat themselves alive trying to tame the wild beast. Maybe I read it somewhere, but I keep thinking about taking all the shitty situations that no matter which way you try and look for the best out of them, they are still complete shit. Then I keep repeating to myself just to not fucking think about these things. If a situation is really that shitty and totally unchangeable, then what’s the point of letting it into your brain? Nothing can be done, so don’t even think about it.
Every time I’ve fallen hard in love usually has been because something beforehand made me stop fucking care. I was over it, done with it, and just ready to have fun. I wasn’t putting time into men and dating, situations that sucked or were opportunistic — I was just be’ing. Straight being. That type of life is something I could live off of for breakfast, lunch and dinner. I don’t need to worry about shitty things because who the fuck cares. I don’t need to hope for something better because what I have is fucking dope. I don’t need to sweat who I’ll be missing because the people I’m surrounded by in close quarters are my people. They have to be because they are the ones that I can make smile and make laugh and vice versa. I never need love because people are swarming around me with enough love to give all the time. Whether it’s right after a fender bender and the guy that we hit is cool as shit, telling us that if we need anything on the road to call him – he’s 15 minutes away in Jersey, – or the lady who’s in front of me in the checkout line gives me her coupons and tells me to pay it forward as I save $30 bucks. It’s small worldly wisdom’s like this that keep our world spinning.
Like Common says, I wanna be as free as the spirits of those who left. I just wanna be. Be be be be be. Don’t let me get sucked into the future or the past. It’s not important because my time is now and I plan on making the most of it. Always.